As they walked into the room, they noticed their father was slumped on the throne with bowed shoulders as if weighed down by a heavy weight. The two princes froze at the unusual sight, their hearts speeding up with worry before hurrying to stand next to their father.
"You called for us, father?" asked Rama.
The king spoke quietly, "My sons, I am afraid that you both will need to leave our home for a time. A sage has come from another kingdom to ask for a favor I must grant. He wants Rama to defeat a group of troublesome and dangerous demons who are interrupting the sages' offerings." The king voice hardened, "I want Lakshmana to go with you and you both must watch out for each other. You will keep each other safe. Do you understand me?"
"Of course, father. We will be back before you know it." Rama and Lakshmana spoke together. They looked at each other giddy at the thought of an adventure and left to pack and gather their swords, bows and plenty of arrows.
Rama and Lakshmana set out on their adventure
The boys began their adventure the next morning with the sage as their guide. They were slowly making their way through thick vines, swinging their swords and chopping away until they came out into an open area.
The party of three stopped in their tracks. A figure was laying, spread out on vibrant green grass, in the middle of the clearing. The sage slowly and quietly stepped back behind the two princes who cautiously stepped forward. Their hearts sped up and they quickly reached for their bows, each notching and arrow. Hearing them, the figure turned revealing the figure of a woman. Smirking at them, she said, "You lovely boys look so tasty." Then she pounced at them with dagger like claws.
The boys shot at her and injured her but couldn't manage to bring themselves to kill the demon. They were troubled at the thought of killing someone who, ignoring the claws, looks like a normal woman. The boys were twisting and dodging while taking turns shooting arrows. They were unsure of what to do besides simply keep her back. The stalemate broke when she got smart and swiftly slid behind Lakshmana out of Rama's line of sight. Lakshmana brought his bow up to block her hands, buying time for Rama to move into a better position. Rama watched with beating heart and sweating hands as she grappled with Lakshmana's bow with one clawed hand and went for his neck with the other. Rama raised his bow, quickly aimed and fired. The arrow shot true and the demon woman fell with an arrow through her eye socket. Rama ran towards his brother to check on him. Neither Lakshmana nor Rama were badly injured. They both sagged with relief and hugged each other tightly letting their hearts calm down.
Rama clasped his brothers arm saying, "I am glad your safe. I swear to you, brother, I will never again hesitate no matter the appearance of our enemy."
"And nor will I. You may have had to kill today, but you saved my life in doing so." said Lakshmana and patted his brother's shoulder in both thanks and comfort.
The party continued on their way and the two princes were now resolved to do anything to return safely to their father. When the fight against the group of demons came, both brothers fought with every single one of their senses and with calm and sharp focus on the enemy. In the end, the man-eating demons lay scattered on the ground, dead. The boys succeeded in keeping their promise to the King, and returned home safe and sound.
Author's Note: This story was inspired by the beginning of the Ramayana and I wanted to focus on Rama's first true battle in the story. In the original story two princes, Rama and Lakshmana, leave their home with a sage who had asked their father for a favor. The favor is to help get rid of rakshasas (man-eating demons) who are troubling a group of sages living near a city of another kingdom. Along the way the two brothers fight against a rakshasi (female demon) but hesitate to kill her because of her gender. This is the fight with Thataka who is hideous and misshapen and in the fight she becomes invisible and then Rama kills her by sound alone. And then he receives holy weapons that he uses to kill the rest of the rakshasas. The original continues from there but mine does not. I kept the main plot points of the part of the story I retold but added some dialog and details in order to lead into the story and keep it flowing. I ended the story after the brothers help the sage in order to emphasize the first time the boys actually have to fight for real. The entire battle scene with the she demon is different from the original fight with Thataka. I changed and added the specific events of the fight and tried not to make Rama seem as superhuman as the original story does. I also completely dropped the talking holy weapons because that's so realistic.
Image information: The image above was found here
Bibliography: Ramayana, Public Domain Edition by M. Dutt, R. Dutt, Gould, Griffith, Hodgson, Mackenzie, Nivedita, Oman, Richardson, and Ryder. Web source
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Hi Raph3al,
ReplyDeleteI think my wow moment was all of the interaction and dialogue between Rama and Lakshmana. Their relationship is implied in the original story, but it’s rarely made explicit in Narayan’s version. I like that you make them talk to and rely on each other. For a lot of the story, Narayan made me feel like Lakshmana (L) was a backup dancer for Rama (R)/Beyoncé.
I’m gonna give you two what ifs because I’m a rule breaker, and I didn’t really wonder about anything in your story. What if you stopped your story after they successfully killed Thataka (T) and, to recuperate the loss, told more about T’s background?
If you stopped the story early, I don’t know I just kind of like the suspense of the story not having a fully concluded happy ending yet. We would know that the boys could be successful, but we wouldn’t know if they fully completed their journey.
And as far as Thataka’s back story, you could use it as a contrast to R and L’s behaviour, which I think could work because you seem to go into more specifics about R and L’s relationship and behaviour. Mareecha and Subahu were powerful brothers just like R and L, but they killed things and were vain. This led to their downfall, but R and L obeyed their parents and fought evil things and yeah good guy stuff.
Rapheal, Rama here.
ReplyDeletePersonally I really enjoyed how you created this environment of bond between me and my brother, Lakshmana. It is very apparent from the way that the characters interact with one another, and how father assumed so too.
However, I do want something to suggest. Being that I am the main character of the original story, hence the title of the book, I can see that alot of the action is my responsibility. That being said, I would want to see moments where Lakshmana was more than just a support character! There should be mentions of times where Lakshmana have saved my life instead of me always being the one saving his.
Have you considered to create the story more from the viewpoint of Lakshama? I feel like it would be a much unique perspective on this specific story! Otherwise, great work. You've painted our adventures quite well.